Catching the tail-enders
February 3, 2010
How many child therapists go into a session believing they will win (as in: their child or young client will manage to come out of the intervention with whatever they needed)?
I ask because the newspapers said that this is how Federer went into his finals match in Australia – believing he would win. Conversely, they make the assumption (because who really knows?) that Murray went in hoping he might win.
There’s something important here. The key words “hoping” and “might” are tentative, exploratory. “Believing” and “would” are much more positive. And they bring up two issues that we all have to bear in mind as we work in counselling or psychotherapy:
1 How much does our having confidence in the young person to solve their own problems affect them?
Do we hold back on the encouragement because we need to honour the “keep yourself out of the way” and “don’t invest too much in a particular outcome” model of working? Do we deprive ourselves of the power of our influence while intending to empower the young person? Surely it is possible to hold both positions without seeming to put a bet on a particular outcome? Can we ever be sure we will win with any client? Should we try and show that faith to the client?
2 When anyone says “hope” or “might”, there is an implicit and unspoken “BUT”.
Some of us term this a tail-ender. Murray may have been thinking: “I hope I might win but Federer’s very good.” Likewise: “Yes, it’s okay…” (BUT); “Fine…” (BUT); “I hope to do that…” (BUT). You can hear them all the time once you start listening for them. And noticing them saves us ploughing on thinking that the young person is with us, or even as positive as their spoken answers suggest. If we hear the tail-enders, we can address them first. That then helps displace the “hope” and “might” with something more certain.
Now, I think these two issues are in most therapists’ minds. But I do know that EFTers (those who use Emotional Freedom Techniques, alone or integrated into their practice) are alert to these all the time.
You see, you can’t really have that “I believe” or “this will be the outcome” attitude unless you deal with the tail-enders as you go. And if we do, then a positive outcome is much more certain. I mean, which gardener would pass over some deadheading while still expecting the plant to blossom for a second time in the season? And we are psychological gardeners of a sort, aren’t we?
To put it in a nutshell: pick off the BUTs and the outcome is certain.
Happy 2nd birthday!
January 29, 2010
This blog has now been running for 2 years: a million thanks to all those therapists and other professionals who come week by week to investigate. I hope you continue to find resources that help, alongside the (sometimes contentious) point of view up front!
Seems a fitting time, then, to mention that the Children’s Society has published its report into Understanding Children’s Wellbeing – a survey of about 7,000 young people focusing on their subjective experience of wellbeing (as opposed to the “objective” view ie saying they have enough food, a good school, and lots of toys).
And guess what comes top in their “bad” list? You’ve got it: parental splits.
And there’s more. Other factors affecting their subjective experience of wellbeing are: family arguments, lack of freedom and choice, school work, where they live, their appearance, and a lack of confidence in life.
Well, well. Who’d have guessed? I mentally surveyed my teenage client list while reading the report and ticked off each of those items many times over. And I fully applaud the stance of asking children about their subjective experiences. That’s what counsellors bother to find out, isn’t it? Not saying ‘Well you have this and that in your favour’, but hearing the young person’s interpretation. Well done to The Children’s Society, I say.
The other thing that has plagued therapists during these last two years is regulation (bother, I really wanted to ignore it for a while). And a couple of analogies spring to mind.
Would you rather have an e-reader that is made from cold plastic or metal, inflexible and joyless, or a paperback book that is sensual, warm and bendable?
Would you rather have a robo-dog or a real one?
Would you rather treat counselling as a regulated activity that is fixed, manual driven and “score” oriented, or as an art that is not attached to any presumed outcome, is inventive, flexible and co-created?
Okay – I’ve taken a straw poll of one (as no one is here to ask) and the answer is in each case the second. Point made.
And that’s where I start the third year of this blog. I sincerely hope that by the same date next year something sane will have entered the HPC’s brain so that I can do my job in peace. And that more people are listening to what kids are really saying about their lives.
Nick Luxmoore podcast
January 9, 2010
Here is the “live bookshelf” item I promised earlier. A tad late, but remember, you heard it here first! So what do we have?
Well, I have coerced Nick Luxmoore to record for us the chapter “Love and Promises“ from his latest book, Young People in Love and in Hate, published by Jessica Kingsley, 2010. (He said he had to finish his mince pies first, which probably explains the delay!)
If you haven’t already seen the book, pop over to Amazon and have a look – it’s really excellent for counsellors and any others who work with young people.
I have no vested interest in Nick, and won’t profit if you buy his book. But I’m delighted to endorse it and offer you this extract as a special New Year prezzie. If you’ve already got the book, having Nick read you this chapter is an extra luxury! It lasts 15 minutes.
So – fetch your coffee, find a cushioned space, put your feet up and listen as Nick tells us about the promises young people rely on, and make, and fall foul of… And just sometimes, are able to keep:
In goes the dummy
January 4, 2010
As we start another year, I am struck again by how important words are to us in our profession.
Yes, we use arts and play to help children and young people express their concerns, yet words are still at the bottom of most therapy interventions. Words are important for giving narrative to our lives.
But The Times has highlighted today that 4% of parents claim their child did not speak before the age of 3. The article also mentions that this late speech development can lead to problems such as low achievement at school or mental health problems. They cite a boy in Reception who lashed out at another child in frustration, causing the teachers to notice his poor speech ability. (I wonder how many other teachers link poor speech ability with dysfunctional acting-out?)
That led me to thinking about how much “space to articulate” children have these days.
We therapists excel at offering it, but the world in general does not. The world likes dummies or, as the Americans say, pacifiers. Dummies are stuffed in the mouth to shut children up. But a spokesperson for I CAN, the children’s communication charity, rightly advises not using dummies except at night, so that children can have their mouth free to practice forming words during the day. Great advice.
Then they come to school and find they must shut up.
So school can be a metaphorical dummy. I expect you, like me, can think of many examples of children being told to shut up and listen, even when they’re trying to explain what really happened or just ask a question.
There are other dummies we use in society:
Stigma: a parent has a mental health issues or is drunk. In goes the dummy.
Fashion: a young person prefers a different clothing style but in goes the dummy and they keep quiet, following the crowd. This adversely affects their self-expression and self-valuing in other areas.
Peer pressure: a child may not agree with what a bully or ring leader is doing or saying. But in goes the dummy and nothing is said to stand up for the victim or a different idea.
Fear of rejection: this is probably the biggest metaphorical dummy of all. We all need to belong. If we fear we will be cast out, in goes the dummy and we shut up.
In a society like this, counselling comes as a relief. That counsellor gives me space, listens to me and accepts me for who I am. It’s like being allowed to learn to speak at last – and better late than never.
So – all strength to our “listening ears” and “encouraging quiet spaces” as we gift to our young clients the space to learn to speak in 2010.
From my bookshelf 4
December 26, 2009
Lots of rage and anger comes out at Christmas – I don’t know how children and young people cope with some of the stuff that goes on in their families during this holiday period. I’ll probably find out in my therapy room when term restarts… I fear for the ones who were promised so much when so little was likely to be given. They gradually cut themselves off from expecting anything good of parents, whilst remaining unutterably loyal.
Time to browse the bookshelf on rage – not for a cure-all but for some thoughts.
1
Rage and violence
“While rage is often a prelude to violence, this outcome is not inevitable … Rage is an emotion. Violence is an action, and the emotion does not always result in the action.”
Teens Who Hurt (p100) Kenneth Hardy and Tracey Laszoffy2
Hot and cold rage
“[Take] the metaphor of a pot in which all the unprocessed life experience sits; the lid is firmly and permanently closed in ‘cold rage’, and ill-fitting and prone to flying off in ‘hot rage’. If hot rage fails to summon the necessary help, then a further coping strategy is called upon, that of cold rage.”
Anger, Rage and Relationship (p90) Sue Parker Hall3
Dealing with pay-offs
“The pay-off of being angry is that you are seen as ‘tough, macho’. The cost of calm is being ‘a wimp’. The aim is to find an orthogonal construct that can be developed to give a positive way forward to obtain the pay-off. The middle ground may be construed as ‘confident and equal to anyone in a calm and considerate manner’.”
Working with Anger: a constructivist approach (p49) Peter Cummins (ed): Gina Selby on Time and Tools: Tools or Time?
From my bookshelf 3
December 19, 2009
Christmas is always a good time to play (fool?) around with relatives, Christmas crackers and jokes. For many adults, that’s it till next year. Yet we all know how important play is for everyone – not just young children. It’s a good medium for adolescents, too, and a great de-stresser for adults. I’ve even been known to say to a child who is leaving: “Never forget how to play.”
So the bookshelf quotes today are on “play”. But I cheated a little because I came across a great YouTube piece on play. When you have time, give it an ear.
1
Stuart Brown on play
This YouTube video lasts 26 minutes, so why not bookmark it and watch it when you have half an hour free? He says that plenty of play in childhood makes for happy, smart adults – and keeping it up can make us smarter at any age. You can find it here.2
Play in a consistent setting
“If the setting is consistent, variations in a child’s play, behaviour and mood can be more clearly seen to derive from inside the child on any particular day. Different parts of the room and the play material come to stand for themes which can be explored, left and returned to as children gradually work on and work out, with the psychotherapist’s help, what is bothering them.”
The Handbook of Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy (p 97) Monica Lanyado and Ann Horne (eds)3
Facilitating necessary play
“At times a specific toy may need to be brought into the play room because the child cannot ‘pretend’ or be flexible in the use of already-existing toys. For example, a child who is having difficulty wearing prescription glasses, might be able to cut out glasses and use these. Or, the child might have difficulty with this flexible use of paper-cut glasses and might respond better to actual plastic glasses that fit the doll.”
Foundations of Play Therapy (p179) Charles Schaefer (ed): Susan Knell on cognitive behavioural play therapy
From my bookshelf 1
December 3, 2009
December is here (see the snow?!) and I’m going to spend the month sharing with you some quotable quotes from books on my shelves – pieces that say something interesting and throw a certain angle on important issues. You may not agree with them all and that’s fine.
I’ll put live links to the books but the sentences themselves are the important thing (for me, at least). They give me something to both remember and chew over. Chewing – now that’s very seasonal, don’t you think!
1
Therapist persona
“Today’s child therapist chooses a certain way to behave with a certain child, based on that particular child’s needs. The therapist doesn’t usually develop an entirely new style of acting, but rather accentuates personality traits that are already operational.”
Magical Moments of Change (p34)Lenore Terr
2
Therapist clothing
“Therapists should carefully choose the clothes that they wear when working with adolescents because it can influence the way adolescents initially interact with and perceive the therapist.”
Play Therapy with Adolescents (p124) Gallo-Lopez and Schaefer (eds): Chapter 7, Scott Rivieri on techniques to engage adolescents
3
Therapist response
“While beginning therapists may tend to feel that often they are not responding – whether by reflection or interpretation – at the most appropriate times and that they are missing many situations in which they could have been therapeutic, it does seem that with children, perhaps more so than with adults, one can be permitted a few tactical ‘errors’. Activities and episodes tend to reappear if they are not adequately handled the first time.”
Child Psychotherapy (p259) Mary Howarth (ed): Chapter 13, Howarth on reflections and interpretations.
I’m hoping to bring you a live audio quote from a bang-up-to-date book in the course of the month. Watch this space!
