Violence and bribery

It makes sad reading to learn that so many under-4s are excluded from school for being violent (according to a report in The Times.

Are they modelling aggression from home? I know of many children whose parents still hit and slap them when they do something wrong. The scenario goes: “I can’t get from you what I want so I will hit you in the hopes of making you realise I want it now and mean what I say.” Is it any wonder the children copy?

Sometimes, though, it’s because the child has no negotiation skills. Yes, asking nicely, playing together, waiting for one’s turn are all expected to be learnt or reinforced in Reception, but older children also get aggressive or resort to bribery when they have no idea how to negotiate.

I have often worked with a child to help them negotiate for what they want within the family rather than erupt in unmanageable anger. (My belief is that putting sticking plaster on the anger does not offer skills for future.) But often, the child is expert at bribery not negotiation. They learnt it from home, and when it doesn’t work, violence follows.

That’s not to say stickers and small target rewards are not of value early on. But in general, what is modelled at home reproduces itself amazingly accurately in the child. Bribery being an obvious example: “I will bribe you with this expensive present to behave as I wish.” What next? Another bribe? If it fails, anger? Where does self-control and self-satisfaction come into the scheme of things?

Parents’ modelling aside, if very early violent behaviour is to be transformed in the right way, access to suitable counselling services is a priority. Charities such as ThePlace2Be are doing an excellent job but can only expand as the funding and counsellors become available.Their counsellors work voluntarily, as do many others. How soon before the Government capitulates and agrees to fund them for their very successful and much-needed early interventions?

If we want some guidance for work with even younger children, the ubiquitous Charles Schaefer has recently co-edited Play Therapy for Very Young Children, which I have just bought. I will read it and report back later.